Funny yet Serious Topic

[LovelyLadyLux]

I personally have been affected by the issue of colon cancer in my own immediate family and personally go through this procedure every few years. It is critical and I encourage anybody and everybody to have this test......anyway - serious topic but the lead up can be side splittingly funny.......

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Grandad]

I can empathize with Dave in every respect except that I WAS FULLY AWAKE through the whole (both) procedures. Had half my colon removed but still went 'Ouch' when that damn camera thing went round the corners......

I like the comments but agree 13 is brilliant

[Kiya]

[LovelyLadyLux]

I can recall the first couple of Scopes - I WAS awake and the corners were an ouch! Now you're totally sedated and the entire job is completed in next to no time.

Problem with colon cancer is that there are no nerve receptors in your colon so you do not get pain or any indication that there is a problem re: cancer 'til often it is way too late AND this form of cancer is soooo very preventable too if caught early.

I've been a 'caught early' person and everything is super easy to remove when caught early. Colon cancers are typically slow growing (depending on type) so to have to do the drinking and the flushing once every 5 or so years to save your life is well worth it. Couple of others in my family were not so lucky.

[LovelyLadyLux]

Just another tidbit of info. Was just at the doctor for the annual tests and one of the "must have" tests was to test my level of Vit D. Cause we live here in the Pacific Northwest where we NEVER get sun there have been studies that have indicated, as a population, we're chronically LOW in Vit D.

Optimally your Vit D level should result in a score or count of 120 to 150. Having anything lower that this (and depending on how low) has been found to put you at risk for such diseases as lupus, MS, breast cancers, colon cancer (very specific to this one), fatigue, mental health disorders, depressions, chronic joint pains, diabetes and on and on.......

Needless to say my score while not rock bottom was not great and now I have prescriptions requiring I take 6000IU/day in the summer and 8000IU/day in the winter which, to me, seems astronomically high but seems that since Vit D is linked to so many ills I need to get on with it and start swilling back mega pills.

Might be worth a request from your physician at your next annual exam. Just a simple test and if you are low this is such a very easy fix to cure what ails you............

[Grandad]

That is very interesting LLL. I booked an appointment last Wednesday for my doc to have a look at a small patch on my face that I guessed was a BCC. It is and he has given me some horrible aggressive cream to burn it away.

Having had a recent blood test for other things I asked if he had included Vit D. He said no because that is a long test and he wanted the results more quickly. I wonder how you can have a test 'while you wait' and mine takes a long time....

[Horus]

Get out on lots of walks, that will sort out your lack of Vit D

[LovelyLadyLux]

The results for my Vit D came back quite quickly. Came back as fast as for all my other blood levels. They're testing everybody here because most of the population is deficient. My level in 2011 was 20. I was put on a therapeutic dose for a few months then taking 3000 to 4000/day but my level was still ONLY 70 which puts me in the 'at risk' for cancers (particularly breast and colon), joint inflammation (got lots of that), fatigue and lots of other diseases.

The US and Canada in the Pacific Northwest are strongly pushing this test as it is being linked to so many diseases.

Apparently the get out in the sun doesn't do it to bring your levels up to par if you're way down. I've actually had skin cancer on my face from being OUT in the Sun so much yet I'm quite deficient.......

@ Grandad - I'd suggest you strongly request your Dr do the test. You might be really surprised at the result but if your results are low the fix is really easy.....